by Jim Jam Flim Flam
Hey, what’s up, Smash fanatics? JJFF here, with a tier list. A tier list that is so top tier, it is guaranteed to top the tiers of all the tier list tier lists that have ever been listed.
Now, I will admit, this tier list is just one man’s opinion. This tier list has no time for stodgy, old conventions. Nor does it seek to placate the big wigs behind the scenes, who so desperately work to maintain the status quo. (I’m looking at you, Tafokints.)
So with no further hesitation, let’s begin.
#1 – DR. MARIO
Fairs. Bairs. Nairs. Fairs again. This guy really has it all. He’s just like Mario, but with a PhD in anthropology (the pills and outfit are just for show!). He’s the best there is! No doubt about it.
#2 – MARIO
Almost as good as Doc Mock (short for Dr. Mario), but given that he only has a Masters degree in plant biology, he never wins the priority battle. I’d say his match up versus Dr. Mario is about 499-501 in the good doctor’s favor. Still, #2 isn’t bad at all!
#3 – LUIGI
Ahh, yes. Luigi. Always the metaphorical bridesmaid to Mario’s metaphorical bride. A strong player in his own right, but the designers really screwed him over when they forgot to put a cape on him! Still, a bronze medal is nothing to be ashamed of, Luigi!
#4 – BOWSER
Now, now. I know what you’re thinking. “But Bowser isn’t a good character! He’s a bad one!” Well, that’s just what the old guard wants you to believe. If you’d seen Sir Bow’s infamous combo video, “Just Bowsing Around Town, Boys!”, then you’d see the potential in this character. Do some research, kiddos.
#5 – PEACH
Now, here’s a controversial pick. We all know that MacD, Armada, and (most importantly) Mike G feel like Peach belongs here, but not everyone else agrees. For me, there’s one move that makes Peach top tier. And that move, of course, is when she pulls out a Mr. Saturn. NUFF SAID.
#6 – YOSHI
Ahh, yes. Yoshi. Not a single person would disagree that Yoshi is top tier. However, he is certainly at his best during the Home Run Derby. I wouldn’t really recommend using him in an actual match. He’s not that great at that stuff.
#7 – DONKEY KRONG
Are we at number 7 already? Yeesh! I’d have liked to put Donkey Krong higher on this list, but I simply can’t think of trading him with Yoshi. I mean, Krong is good and all, but he’s no Yoshi. I guess that Mr. Krong will have to just stay at #7!
#8 – CAPTAIN FALCON
Ahh, yes. Captain Falcon. I’d also like to put this guy higher, but rumor has it…that he’s cursed! And you know that JJFF doesn’t mess around with curses. The dead, ghouls, goblins, hobgoblins…all that stuff. #8 is just fine with me, thank you very much.
#9 – GANONDORF
Legendary strongman Ganondorf takes the final top tier spot. There’s nothing more obnoxious than getting hit with Ganondorf’s forward air. You just feel so stupid when it connects. Like, you can’t help but telegraph that move, yet I get hit with it anyways. Ugh.
#10 – FALCO
Clearly a rip-off of Captain Falcon given the similarity of their names, you’d think the two would have a more similar moveset. Anyhow, this bird is hindered by its atrocious recovery. His recovery is so bad, sometimes you’re standing in the middle of the stage, and then you press side-B, and you’re pretty much dead instantly. What’s up with that?
#11 – FOX
This guy is nothing special. In fact, I’d kill this character off 20 times over. That’s right, mark those X’s across his eyes, 20 times in a row.
#12 – NESS
Ahh, yes. Ness. This tiny gentleman is completely underrated. Often considered to be bottom tier by the Melee elite (or, Meleeelite), Ness can hold his own against the entire cast when played well. His greatest strength? His recovery. By pressing up-B, you have the choice of either knocking yourself to safety, or manually directing the PK Thunder toward an opponent. And luckily, this never backfires in the slightest!
#13 – ICE CLIMBERS
Ice Climbers. Double the pleasure, double the fun. Wait a minute. Are these two characters lovers? Or siblings? Because that’s not even what I meant when I said pleasure. Anyway, uhh…wobbling?
#14 – KIRBY
Not a bad character, once you get to know him. Clearly he’s got something going for him, as the designers decided to mimic his look and playstyle when they invented Jigglypuff out of thin air back in the day. Plus, this is Sakurai’s baby. You know he wouldn’t design Kirby to be one of the worst characters in the game. Duh!
#15 – SAMUS
Sorry, Deadly Aliens Wes, but Samus just doesn’t have that many options. As far as I can tell, the only thing Samus is useful for is healing Ness during teams. NEXT!
#16 – ZELDA
It’s weird. It seems like Zelda has some sort of potential hiding deep within her. If only there were a button or two that you could press to transform her into her superior form. Ahh, if only!
#17 – LINK
Naturally, Link and Young Link are going to be close together on the tier list. I mean…like father, like son, right! This hip, young dad definitely still has the edge on his son, but those pick-up hoopz games are getting pretty close. Won’t be long til the youngster overtakes him!
#18 – YOUNG LINK
Ahh, yes. Young Link. Just like his old dad, but a little smaller! Link must be proud of his boy! I remember this kid from way back, when he was running around in diapers. I could show you guys some pictures of Young Link that would leave him blushing. Me and his dad used to have some good times. But things have changed.
#19 – PICHU
One of the cutest characters in the game also happens to be one of the worst. If only he could evolve into a stronger form. I feel like this game could’ve used someone like Sheik. She would’ve been a cool character. Maybe Pichu should’ve been able to transform into Sheik?
#20 – PIKACHU
Electricity? Been there, struck by that. Ever heard of Ness? Be more original, Sakurai. Besides, he looks way too similar to Pichu. Maybe if Pichu is going to evolve into Sheik, Pikachu should evolve into Pichu? I don’t know, just an idea.
#21 – JIGGLYPUFF
Like Peach, this character has one notable move. You know the one. The rest…of her moves aren’t that great. No point in even talking about the rest.
#22 – MEWTWO
Named after Jason Zimmerman’s tag, the only thing this character is lacking is a single good move. It also seems to use electricity. Another Ness rip-off. Bleh.
#23 – MISTER GAME AND WATCH
Ahh, yes. Mister Game And Watch. Confusing, right? Is he a game? Or is he a watch? The only use I’ve found for this character is when I’m trying to randomly generate a number in order to decide which Powerball numbers to buy. And for that, it’s been very effective, as I’ve won over $200 billion.
#24 – MARK
Just a bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD, bad character. Mark doesn’t have a single thing going for him. Poor Mark. We feel for you, Mark.
#25 – ROY
As everyone knows from Fire Emblem, Roy is Mark’s brother-in-law. He doesn’t really fit in with Mark and his friends, but Mark’s sister is always demanding that he drag him along. Roy can’t hold his liquor, and Mark always ends up having to play babysitter at the bar. Just last week, Roy vomited all over the jukebox, and Mark had to beg the bouncer not to ban the two of them forever. Roy is single, and he ALWAYS embarrasses the group by hitting on the waitress. Not that the waitress at this one particular joint isn’t smoking hot. I’m not saying she ain’t. But a guy needs to have respect for the job. If she likes you, she will make that clear. I dated a bartender once, and even though she had to turn up the charm to get the tips, she hated it when every guy in the place thought they had a chance with her.
Anyway, Roy is not good.
OTHER NOTABLE CHARACTERS
Ahh, yes. Crandall. The loveable mischief-maker who spends his days floating around Yoshi’s Story. Whether you love him or you hate him, you can always expect Crandall to pop up when you least expect him!
BARRY THE BARREL
The lesser-known cousin of Crandall, Barry doesn’t get quite as much attention these days. Ever since Kongo Jungle was removed from the legal stage list, his life has devolved into a haze of alcoholism, gambling addiction, and fun. Here’s to Barry!
All right, there you have it! Smash on, fanatics! And be sure to check out our Youtube series, The Smash Pros!